Episode 41: Becoming Unstuck: Why Perfectionism & People-Pleasing are Making You Sick with Shenal Arimilli

In this powerful conversation, Dr. Mary sits down with fellow physical therapist and cancer survivor Shanel Arimilli to unpack how perfectionism, people-pleasing, and chronic stress patterns can silently sabotage your health. Shanel shares her personal journey—how a cancer diagnosis ultimately guided her transformation from a traditional PT to a holistic healer.

Together, they explore the intersection of quantum physics, neuroscience, human physiology, and spirituality, and how true healing goes far beyond just treating symptoms. If you’ve ever felt stuck, burnt out, or like your body is begging for help while you're trying to “do everything right,” this episode will speak to you.

00:00 Introduction to TMI Talk with Dr. Mary

00:15 Meet Shanel Arimilli: A Journey from Physical Therapy to Healing

02:14 Diving into Shanel's Cancer Journey and Healing

05:46 The Power of Emotions and Intuition in Medicine

07:42 Understanding Pain and Its Messages

11:59 Integrating Physical and Spiritual Healing

25:27 The Role of Patterns in Healing

34:31 Exploring Different Types of Journaling

34:46 Understanding and Connecting with Emotions

40:34 The Importance of Asking for Help

41:17 Healing Through Community and Self-Awareness

44:01 Personal Stories of Overcoming Cancer

52:06 The Power of Imagination and Self-Discovery

52:50 Challenging Societal Norms and Embracing Authenticity

55:36 Taking Baby Steps Towards Self-Improvement

56:38 Final Thoughts and Resources for Healing

You can learn more about Shenal here

If you have any other questions or topics you want to talk about, send me a message on Instagram. And if you loved this episode, please leave me a rating and a comment with your feedback. Please share this with your friends and loved ones, too!

I’ll see you in a week!

Transcript

Audio Only - All Participants-1: 0:00

Welcome back to TMI talk with Dr. Mary. This episode is for you if you're feeling stuck in patterns or you're just feeling stuck in life. You're not feeling happy. You feel like there's more, but you're not really sure where to turn this episode's for you. Today, I brought on Shanel Arimilli she graduated from the University of California at Berkeley with a bachelor's degree in physiology and received her master's in physical therapy. After years of clinical practice, she climbed the corporate ladder in the hospital management and administration, and also as a director of clinical services before she began her entrepreneurial journey. Her personal story of healing through cancer and its occurrences led her to a deeper understanding of the science and spirituality behind our ability to heal and our soul's calling for change. Her signature approach takes people on a journey to heal from the cell to soul. By merging quantum physics, neuroscience, human physiology, and psychology to the age old wisdom of spirituality and consciousness. Shanel's intuitive approach is used to elevate personal lives and businesses making her a sought after speaker workshop and retreat facilitator, a spiritual teacher, and a private mentor. We're excited to have her on the podcast today.

1:20

Ready to tackle the topics that you've been curious about but never felt comfortable asking. With a straightforward, no nonsense perspective on life blended with candid stories and a healthy dose of humor, Dr. Mary Grinberg cuts through the fluff and addresses the conversations we all need to have on TMI talk where no subject is to taboo our bodies, our minds, and everything in between. Now, here's your host, Dr. Mary.

Audio Only - All Participants: 1:49

Welcome to TMI talk Shanel. Thank you for having me, Mary. Yes, I am so excited for you to be here. This is for you if you're a type A personality and you've done all the things that you thought would make you happy or the world told you would with either money or children or success or whatever it may be. But you're still feeling like there's more. And I wanted to bring you on today to help people because your story is similar to mine in the fact that you were a physical therapist and you are a physical therapist and and your cancer journey. So I'd love to dive right in and you know, can you explain your journey from, from being a physical therapist to where you are now? Absolutely. Um, first of all, thank you for having me, and I love the topic because I think that many more people than we know are hiding behind a smile and. Just hiding behind that smile. So we think they're happy. Sometimes we even hide behind our smile so well that we think we're happy, but, um, that's not always the case. So thank you for the great topic. Um, and I'm so happy to be here. So physical therapist to where I am now. I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew that I wanted to be in the healing arts. I think since I was very, very little. I didn't know what that meant. Um, and PT was a really beautiful way. I felt, um, to pursue that long-term relationship with somebody, um, in their, on their healing journey. I was, um, not interested in those five minute doctor visits. Like I really wanted a, a healing art. So I, physical therapy is what spoke to me. Um, and like most of us, I don't think life I. It's a straight line. So, um, that journey took me on some twists and turns. So I practiced, I kind of touched all three areas of healthcare. So I was practicing clinical, um, clinically as a pt, and then I fell under the wings of, um, or yeah, under the wings of, um, a CEO of a hospital. And he said, I wanna groom you into hospital management and administration. So then I started to learn the corporate side of healthcare. So I was a clinician as a pt, then I did corporate healthcare and then a stay at home mom for a little bit. Um, and after that, that little jaunt of being at home with my two kiddos, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And so then I became the recipient of healthcare. Um, so I had touched, you know, again, the administrative side, the clinical side, and then the receiving side of it. And that cancer journey, Mary. Truly is what led me to where I'm at right now. And, um, just before we hopped on, you and I were, were chitchatting and I, and I shared that I've come to learn and I hope that anyone that's listening, even in the darkest of moments or the most difficult of times, might hear that there's a glimmer of hope when you can start seeing the challenge as the gift that if you're willing to open it and really do the inner work around it, your whole life can change for the better. So that cancer journey and then the 11 years it took me to heal with a few recurrences is what led me to doing mind body, soul healing work, um, and doing what I do now. I love that. And you know, I'd watched some of your, uh, story on, was it speak up on Amazon? Yeah. Yeah. And how you were saying that. You know, just, yeah, the multiple occurrences. And it wasn't until you really started going inward to be like, what am I not healing? I mean, maybe you didn't say it exactly like that, but it was like, okay, you know, we can do all these things and do Western medicine can be extremely helpful. But at the same time, what else can we do? Like what, what else helps us heal? And I think so much in medicine is less about emotions, less about intuition, and more about, here's a pill, here's your five minute visit and move forward. Right? That's right. And then that dynamic shifts when you're on the other side. It is a humbling experience and it, like you said, it was perfect. What you were saying is like, it's a little gift. Like if, if you're going through something right now and you're like. Man, I don't know how to deal with this. Mm-hmm. I have never been presented with this before. I don't know. I don't have any experience in this. Nobody around me knows. I challenge you to lean into it because you know, being on the other side of extreme despair, and I'm not saying I'm like at some perfect level, right? There's no ending in this healing process, in my opinion. Challenge yourself and lean into it. And so what would you say to somebody right now that's listening to this and they're like. I am, I'm doing all the things and, and a lot of times, you know, I treat a lot of people that are, tend to be Type A and they're experiencing extreme pelvic pain and they're not getting answers and, you know, they're just not getting answers. Mm-hmm. Like what would you say to somebody right now, whether it's pelvic pain or some other illness or cancer, what would you say to them? Um, you know, I think that the thing that I had to begin shifting myself first is my relationship with what that pain was about. So I saw the pain, or I saw the cancer as a failing body. That my body is failing me, and whether it's pelvic pain or it's migraines, or it's allergies or it's cancer, the whole spectrum of stuff. Um, if we have the ability to pause and change our relationship with whatever that pain point is, and we start asking or understanding is the body actually failing or actually is the body so magnificent that it's messaging me? And if it's messaging me, then rather than running to fix it, I begin to have a relationship with it. I begin to listen to it. I begin to ask. So I, I will tell people. When I'm working with them and we're working on healing, it could be a joint pain. Like, you know, I sometimes I'll, I'll be with a client and they'll have a joint pain and we'll go into the pain. We'll go into what is that about? Where is it coming from? And I'll ask'em to put a microphone in that pain or in that discomfort or in the imbalance. It could be a hormonal imbalance that someone's experiencing. Put a microphone in it, like, you know, intentionally just by saying, you know what? Theoretical, I'm putting a microphone. I'm, I'm putting, I'm putting something in that joint or in that pain because I wanna hear what you're teaching me. I wanna hear what you're trying to tell me is out of balance. Not just in my body, but in my soul, in my, in my consciousness. And so when I get to, to listen to that, rather than see my body as failing, I've already shifted the energy. I've already put myself in an advantage to healing. Because the energy of what's wrong with my body will continue to bring forth through the law of resonance, things that are wrong with it. Totally. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. I didn't mean No, no, just, just a new relationship with, with the body and how we, how we see it and how we begin to work with it and with our mind and, and so yes, I think that that is a crucial first step in, in any challenge. It can be a challenge outside of our body, right Mary?'cause sometimes before the challenge actually hits our body, it's already been showing itself in our relationship with somebody. It's been showing itself in our bank account. It's been showing itself, you know, just in our unrest. And then when we don't listen, that message gets a little bit louder and a little bit louder, and it starts to impact. The densest part of our being, which is our body. So, yeah. No, I, I totally agree. I think I was, you know, when I was diagnosed with cancer, it was, I was doing all the things like purging all the, you know, toxic chemicals in the house and, you know, a diet, like trying to clean up my diet consistently and then exercise. What I would, I didn't realize is I was in such disconnection from self, myself and my body, that my body literally had to gimme cancer to wake up. And if you're listening to this and you're like, you know, thinking, wow, that's, that's a different way to look at cancer. Thi I'm five years out, so like this, there was a lot of anger at first, there was a lot of fighting, there was a lot of blame. How could my body fail me? How could it do this? I don't understand. And. When you can just picture the narrative a little bit different. Not saying your physical symptoms aren't real, they're real. You might need PT for them, right? But what else? Right. The physi, the mind, body, and soul. Like what are of those are disconnected, right? So how can we kind of play with each of those two look at healing, not just from a physical perspective? Yes. Oh gosh, Mary, um, I think you bring up such an incredible point for people to really understand that when we're bringing these concepts up, we're not saying that we're dismissing the physical aspect of our healing. What we're saying is when we really want to create lasting, permanent changes, really truly healing deeply, whether again, it's migraines or it's pelvic pain or it's. A joint pain or it's cancer. Um, what, what were, I think both of us have experienced through our journey, and I think we could safely say this in different ways, but similar story. Like, I did everything physical to heal everything. Yeah. Because I knew the body being, you know, a pt. I, like, I understood the body, I understood everything about it. So I thought, and I was so clean, physically, like cleaner than one per, probably cleaner than 99% of the population on the planet from juicing and detoxing and, you know, eating clean. And I still had cancer. And that's what pushed me to say, what else? And that's what led to the spiritual. And so what happened, and I, I would want people to understand this as well, from my own experience, I did everything physical. I. But I didn't heal and I got so distraught. You know, I did the medical stuff, the integrative stuff, the natural stuff. So distraught that I went, leaned completely into the spiritual, and I still struggled to complete my healing. But what I found was when we learned how to integrate that physical with the spiritual, how does our mind influence our body? How does our body message us so that we can shift things in our mind when we integrate the parts of us? Like you said, you were disconnected. Like we, most of us have been walking around, disconnected from our heart and our soul, and then we expect to be healthy in our body. It doesn't work that way. No, it, it doesn't. This is why we're at an all time high of mental illness, physical illness, cancers. I mean, you see young people getting cancer left and right now, and. I mean, if you see even just the social pressure of being young in this culture, like people can't buy homes anymore. They, their, you know, inflation keeps getting wild. And so that's just the external, that's environmental too. You know, and then, then, you know, working all these hours to just make it by. And so then there's no time to be with yourself. And I would say like, you know,'cause there was a time where I was like, I don't know what that means to be connected to my body. And I will say, and I'd be love to hear your, your definition of what it feels like this for you when you are in your body. Okay. It feels like time does not exist. It feels to me like life is almost too, you just feel in your element, you feel like it. You feel like yourself, you feel like you're, you're able to tap into things that you've loved as maybe even as a kid or something like that. And you feel like time flies when you're in those moments. And I don't know if I'm even describing that super well, but like, what would, if somebody's like, what does that mean? You know?'cause the general people that are listening to this, maybe they're new to their spiritual journey or they don't know and they're curious. Um, what would you describe that to somebody that maybe doesn't know what that means? Um, that's such a great question. I, um, I, I tend to be very, um. In my emotions, my thoughts. I'm very flighty, if you will, from by nature. You know, like etheric, I'm a dreamer, I'm a visionary. So being in the body and really knowing what that feels like was probably, like you said, kind of an, it was originally a very unfamiliar feeling for me. Um, as you were speaking, kind of the, the image that popped in maybe that could help the listeners from a different perspective would be, it's very much when we're looking at, at being in the body, we're really grounding a very expansive part of us into a, a physical experience. And it's like a tree, you know, I think of the tree that if, if you just disconnected the trunk of the tree from the beautiful leaves at the top and the roots at the bottom, it neither is gonna thrive. You know, it's, it's. It's not complete, it isn't going to expand and grow, but when your roots are grounded in the earth, when you feel like your body is actually the vessel in which you get to express life, for me it's that it's um, it's this appreciation for this vehicle or this vessel in I'm not the body. I'm actually the bo my body is just an aspect of who I am that allows me to have this experience here. So for me it's this appreciation of being able to experience what it is to feel grounded and expansive all at the same time. And I love that. Yeah. Yeah. I would say like, you know, it's funny because. The more I go down this, this road, I'm like, oh my gosh. Like it's in nature everywhere. You know? Like trees, the mycelial, what is it? The mycelial network, like the whole, like the mushrooms, the fungi underground, and how like these are things that are, are just facts, right? And so if you can see that and how nature can almost be a metaphor for us or is, you know, and, and like another thing that I found interesting along this journey,'cause I like to speak like,'cause I'm new to this, right? So it's been, I've only been tapping into this kind of spiritual, energetic world in the last not even year. And so I like to remember, I write down a lot of these beginner questions because it can be hard for somebody to understand and you just might check out and be like, I don't know what they're talking about, right? Mm-hmm. And, um, but. It's this feeling of like, what, like what are your biggest dreams? Like what are things that you have felt, you know, like to people listening, it's like that you've felt, you've always wanted do, but you don't have time for, or who are people you wanna hang out with, but you, you just can't make time because maybe you're bogged down by other things. What are you bogged down by and what lightens you up? And if you wanna put this in a scientific perspective, I mean, we've got tons of evidence on like, um, you know, placebo effect, right? So, hey, maybe somebody responds to this treatment or this medication, but so do the people that were told it was that too. So the mind is incredibly powerful. So say maybe if you don't have spiritual beliefs, I just, just entertain the idea of it. Like what would that look like? I, I would agree. And, you know, um, since you bring that up, I usually want to dismantle.'cause I, I think that, um, my journey was not about becoming spiritual. My journey was about integrating the spiritual with the physical and really just becoming who we really are. And so, I, I, um. I like to dismantle this, this concept with people that spirituality and consciousness, they sound like such lofty things that you should do later when you have more time in life, but they're actually just your practical. So I see spirituality is our relationship with everything. Mm-hmm. So if somebody says, well, I don't have time for spiritual stuff, I don't believe in it. And I say, well, if you believe in your relationships with your significant others, if you believe that you have a relationship with your body in whatever ways that is, or money, as you evolve that relationship, you're really just on a spiritual journey. The healthier relationship you have with your body. You're doing spiritual work, the healthier relationship you have with your, with your desires, your wants, your dreams. That's a spiritual journey. So I think it becomes a word that people shy away from like, oh, I'm not that. I don't know that. I don't do that. Well, we do it all the time when we bring the spirit of life into all of our relationships. We're doing spiritual work. I think people, I love that because I think people do think it's like light and fluffy and like there are people I feel like that can make it sound that way. And ultimately it's integrating all three things, right? Mind, body, and and soul. And so if I do believe that in certain types of communities that focus on certain religions, I do find that it's takes away from the spiritual aspect because it's more, I think it just gets a bad rep because of people that have used it for. For not great things. Mm-hmm. And there's still a lot of really wonderful people that practice religion or know religion and spirituality. But I didn't know, like we were saying before is I didn't know there's a difference between religion and spirituality. I thought they were one and the same. So I was like, I don't, I've had a very traumatic experience with religion and I, I shied away from it. But yeah, I realized so much of like, like what you're saying is it's our magic and it's our power inside of us. And I, so when we start to, I find when a lot of people are dealing with like, chronic things and I'm like, what if we started doing things that brought you energy versus taking like, you know, like where to even start. Absolutely. Um, and since we were talking about. What's not, what's, what is it that's keeping us from being happy, right? And then if, what is it that, if we're dealing with physical issues, we know that that drains us from our happy place. You know, when we're in pain or limited or whatever that may be, it puts us in all kinds of emotional states. Um, when we start to realize that there is a simpler way to, to look at our, our consciousness, um, and how it relates to the healings in our body when we can simplify it. And I'm all about making it practical and real. And I think you are too. We both really pride ourselves, I feel, in bringing, it's like bringing that energy into reality and not some lofty concept or principle that we have to just go learn. But really, how do we live it? So I, I wanna share this, Mary,'cause I think it's super fun for the listeners. Um. Again, if somebody were to say you could change your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions, and actually contribute to the healing of your body, anywhere from, you know, again, migraines and pelvic pain to cancer, wouldn't you wanna do that? Like, wouldn't even if you are taking, so I was taking medicine and I wasn't healing, but when I did the inner work and I began healing my consciousness, which is. I, I teach it as a cup of tea. So it's an acronym. So acronyms make it easy for us to remember. So we dismantle the complexity of consciousness and we say, what the heck? Forget that for a moment. If I could just change my thoughts, my emotions, and my actions, my t, my E, and my A, which is my cup of tea, if I can work on healing those parts of me past and present, I will begin changing my energy because each thought, each emotion carries a vibrational frequency. And we don't have to go into all the science about it today, but you and I can, um, can testify that there is a large body of research that has been done on, you know, our thoughts and how they influence our human physiology, our emotions, and how they influence our, our structures in our body. And, and if we, if they impact our body, then we can also use them to heal our body. So changing your cup of tea, looking at your old thoughts, your old emotions, your old actions that you've buried. And then if we're carrying all that with us, how is it that we can be light, free and happy? It's like we, it's just carried with it. We carry it on our back and in baggages and we hold it with us. And if we took the time to realize that any pain in our body is actually just pointing us to a deeper healing, to release, to shift thoughts, emotions, and actions that we've done, um, we simplify the process of healing, but we actually create, I think, lasting healing.'cause we're healing at the root of what I love that. I love that. Yeah. It's, it's challenging these old inner dialogues that we have. So if you think about wearing glasses, right? And if you have these like tinted glasses, everything you see in those glasses are gonna be tinted. So the red glasses, everything looks red, right? What if what we're talking about is putting on a new pair of glasses that's not tinted, and you get to see the beauty and the colors and life and all of the things that life has to offer. And yes, the world is crazy right now, but when you can kind of tap in and understand yourself, people around you, your emotions, not understanding people around you, but understanding how different situations and environments can affect you physiologically too, and like how to start just noticing those things. I mean, you know, just notice, you know, like there are like little details that I wouldn't notice before. It's like, why? Why do I get overwhelmed in this situation? Or like for me, as I become more self-expressive, um, I tend to, so after cancer kind of shut that down.'cause I had had people in my life kind of shitting on me and telling me to stay small. And whenever I'd be silly, they'd be like, stop, you're embarrassing me. And I was just like, man, I had really a good time. So I don't understand what was going on. And as I reflect back, as I move through this healing process, like you can tap into these things and they can feel good, but then old patterns will kind of pop up. And it's almost like when I feel that anxiety. So maybe I'll go somewhere and you know, like I was telling you, I'm a bit of a ham and so when my hams comes out, I get anxiety later and I go, oh, I embarrassed myself. And then I have to go. That's an old narrative that somebody else told me. Who is that voice? What is that? Because that does not define me. And I think the hard work is more of just the pro, like reprogramming your brain to being softer to yourself and kinder, and then recognizing old patterns and being kind to yourself. Like what if healing wasn't hard, hard work? What if it was hard just because you, just of the practice, but not hard because it's draining. Ooh. Um, I have to say, I and I, I love this. I'm, I love that because I think people do shy away from the inner work because they think that it's really hard. And, um, I'll share a quote that I like. Um, it's far more painful to remain stuck than it is to do the work to get unstuck. If we would just be willing to do it. Yeah.'cause you know, it's like, oh, I'll just stay in this comfort zone and stay stuck in this pattern and I, it'll never change and it can'cause energy can change and we're all energy. Um, you were talking about patterns and I think that it would, it's, it's so vital.'cause I didn't heal because I worked on one emotion. I didn't heal because I changed one thought. Like I didn't just do positive thinking. I tried that. Mm-hmm. That didn't work. It doesn't, I did positive affirmations for years and I was like, I had recurrences. Like, what is this? So what I realized is that we don't just dump, well, I'm gonna say this. We don't, who puts flowers? Seed seeds of flowers in a bed of weeds. Like who would really plant seeds of flowers, which are like positive affirmations.'cause I see a lot of people that will say, well, I've been doing this positive thinking for a long time. Doesn't work. I said, no, it really doesn't. It's really important. It's very important, but not when you put it on top of all the weeds that exist within you. And so when we dismantle a pattern, which you were talking about, it's the pattern that has to heal. Not just the emotion. Not just the thought, not just the trauma, it's the patterns that created those that I think are important. And so how do we get to a pattern, I think is a really great conversation you and I could get, get into.'cause I, I, I claim that I was addicted. And people look, oh my God, you, you took drugs? Or, you know, I was addicted to perfectionism and people pleasing as if they were drugs for me right here. And so true for so many women, so true for so many, but perfectionism and people pleasing and I couldn't just heal my emotions to be able to heal who I am. I truly had to dismantle this whole story of perfectionism and people pleasing. Those were just two of my patterns, but there were many, um, and I had to understand, so I would hope people would get to, to take this home with them today is if you have a pattern, ask, where did that pattern come from? Did I see it growing up? And if I did, I need to lovingly release that pattern back to the person that I know learned it from because it's not mine to carry. Or was I told to do it so that I could be a good girl? And did I, so who, who, who did I learn it from Or did it? Was it modeled for me? See, we have to start like, and I use journaling. I don't know about you Mary. I'd love to hear what you do, but I love it. Yeah. I journaled to get out of the mind.'cause it gets so complex in there and in the heart. Everything's a muddled mess until you start like writing and it just starts to get clear. Like the lenses go from, you know, tinted to clear was you start to write. But to write, answer those questions, like where did I learn this pattern? Was it modeled? Was I told to do it? Like, you, you know, you should be this way. You have to be perfect. If you're perfect then you're gonna get a treat. Or if you're perfect, then Grandma's gonna buy you, you know, whatever. Or you know, or it looks good. You know, Indian girls, in my case, you know, Indian girls were very nice. We don't get angry. So where did we learn these patterns? Who did we learn them from? And then the third thing that I love asking myself is how, how did it help me? Or what need did it get met for me? So for example, being perfect made me feel worthy. It made me feel good. So you have to use a process of compassionate inquiry to dismantle the pattern. So for our listeners, it would be fun to be able to encourage people to look at their patterns, to see them without judgment, and to know that they became survival stories. But those survival stories build up so much toxicity in us and keep us from our true self. And then we have pain in our bodies, pain in our lives, pain in our minds. Um, but yes, really dismantling the story and choosing a new story now. Right? We, we can either rewrite or repeat and the choice is always ours. Well, I think the biggest thing is so many people, including myself, will be like, well, if my parents just did this or my parents did that, and it's like, I can guarantee if you talk to most people, they've had some childhood trauma at some extent, right? Some really big traumas, some patterns, right? And so that's when these like generational kind of patterns kind of kick in. It's, it's trauma is you can have two children that are exposed to the same thing and one is, has the complex or PTSD and the other 1D doesn't. And it's, it's how they interpret it, the trauma that happened. And so not discounting trauma. I've, I've dealt with complex PTSD and moved through it'cause I've been through a lot. Um, but my narrative, I was choosing to suffer. Suffering was a choice for me. And if I stopped suffering and said, okay, what if I wanna stop this? Okay, enough with a bitching enough with a complaint. Mm-hmm. Like, what can I do? Where can I go? And if somebody is like, wanting to get a journal now listening to this, what are a couple prompts you would give them to start? Because I know when I started journaling, I was like, what? It's blank. What do I do? Yeah. Where do I go? So, oh, that's a great question, Mary. Um, and there's different types of journaling, right? We can have gratitude journaling. That's beautiful. That's, this is more of like maybe the journaling to help us to better dismantle or, or heal something deeply, right? So the first question I usually would ask is, what am I feeling? Unapologetically it could be hate. And let me tell you, women, um, I know in cancer unforgiveness, resentment, hate. And it's not because we're bad people, it's because we are so good that we bury everything that wasn't so good.'cause we got good at that. We got good at being good on the outside and stuffing it all on the inside. So I think one of the first prompt questions is just what am I, what do I really feel right now? Am I angry? Am I resentful? Am I sad? What? What is that feeling? And so connecting first with a feeling. Well, we never have a feeling without a thought. So let's say anger is a feeling. I'm feeling so angry right now. So then we ask the next question, I wonder why I am so angry. And then when we ask, I wonder why I am so angry. We we're going a little deeper to come to the thoughts and the programs and the patterns that are driving that anger. And so then we might recognize, wow, I'm really angry because I'm not being heard or I'm really angry because there's no time for me. And so if we understand why I am angry, we think it's maybe about we we, oh, it's'cause my kids were being loud or my husband wasn't listening, or my mom, whatever. But when we really get to it, we're like, why am I really angry? Well, it's because you know, there's no time for me and if there's no time for me, then we go to another question and we say, I wonder where that pattern came from. Where there's no time for me. And that might lead us to, oh my God, I had to be the overachiever and in your case, so that I could be seen, so that I could be acknowledged and so we start to ask questions, but we, we go in, I feel the first is usually, how am I feeling? Because women are also not very good. We, we feel, but we don't often feel our true feelings. Well, we were told like, like women are crazy. Like, oh, she's probably menstruating, or she's menopausal, or she's pregnant. And so then you're just like, well, I don't wanna be labeled as that, so I'm just gonna not, or a nag. Oh, nagging. I'm like, or too sensitive. Oh, she's so sensitive. Oh, she's so sensitive. She must be on her period. Right. You're like, these are subconscious things we absorb and you know, and like exactly it, and it's different in every culture, but it's, it's it same theme. Absolutely. And, and I would really encourage people not to stop at the emotion, you know, that whole TEA. Mm-hmm. So it's like, and so what am I thinking? What am I feeling? And how does that make me act or not act like? And those are how we really change our whole narrative over time. Over time. Oh my goodness. Over time. But what am I feeling? I wonder why I feel this way. What is, what are all the reasons that make me feel this anger? I don't get enough help. There's no time for me. Well, wait a minute. There's the program. We should not ask for help. We're capable, we can do it all. Superwoman. Right, right. Absolutely. Because, you know, especially the, you know, the woman of the new millennium, we can do everything. It's crushing us. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And so if we don't pause, and I think our challenges push us to pause and the pause allows us to heal more deeply. So, um, yeah. Such a, it's, it's so profound, even when we both just sit and talk about it, just how deeply healing this is. If people would only realize that while, yes, you can go to the doctor, yes, you go to your therapy t yes, you do the physical and you honor this body, but you don't stop there. It's all connected. And, and that's, you know, I think it's important like when you're journaling and being like, okay, like what? Yeah, what is this emotion? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling so angry? And I find that type a perfectionist, like myself and, you know, and people pleaser. I don't wanna be a burden on anybody else because I have learned in the past that me asking for help around certain people that I am a drag, but around people who do this work. Mm-hmm. They honor it and they say, thank you for telling me. Yeah. I mean, maybe they don't say it like that, but they're just like, oh, cool. All right, well, you're tired. Or like, maybe you wanna reschedule or, or, thank you for telling me that you were upset about that. I didn't mean it that way. It's like, oh, I'm not gonna get yelled at. Nobody's gonna get angry at me. Mm-hmm. And it's, it was hard'cause I was surrounded by a lot of people that were like that. And part of this growth is grieving, the outgrowing of those behaviors and those types of people that have the ability to make the change, but unwilling. And I think that if we can start understanding and asking for help, I mean, say, you know, sometimes we don't have a supportive partner, but say you do okay. Say you have supportive friends or you have one friend, all you need is one person in your life. Like just one. And in that, how can, like how can that per, how can you ask that person for help, even if it's just tiny, right? So say if it's your partner, like I do have a lot of patients who do have supportive partners and they're like, I'm like, are you asking them for help? And they say, I don't want to, I don't wanna be a burden. I go, Ugh. Healing's there. Mm-hmm. We don't heal in isolation. Mm-hmm. We heal in community and, and that's my biggest next phase of this growth is allowing myself to be seen, allowing myself to be myself. And it's a little uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. And, but I know that's where the magic is. And, and I used to just be isolated. And this hyper independence is just another form of unprocessed in our work and, and how much are we doing and doing and doing and forgetting to be, how much are we doing so that something is being meant for us. It's maybe, it's a sense of self worth. Like the more I do, the more I'll be loved. The more I'll be seen, the more I'll be heard. If I do more, if I do more and. Um, if I'm working with, you know, people that have an, an illness of sorts, whether again it's cancer or any sort of pain, I will al we will always dive into how is, how is that meeting a need? And they'll be like, well, I don't want cancer. And I was like, no. I know I didn't either, but when I really, I never asked for it consciously, but I didn't realize that I co-created it unconsciously. And they'll be like, what do you mean? I said, I co-created it unconsciously because what I really needed was peace in my life. What I really wanted was to get help, but I didn't know how to ask. What I really wanted was rest, but I was a busy mom with two children and a, and a business and a husband that had needs and, and family and siblings, and I needed rest. I needed help. I, I needed, um. To be loved attended to because I was the nurturer. So of course it was a breast cancer. I was like over nurturing everybody around me and completely neglecting myself. Every pain in our body and I will literally put myself out on a limb with this. Every pain in our body is a pain somewhere else in our life. First in our heart, in our emotions, somewhere in our life. It's a pain unprocessed that the body is finally bringing up to the surface because it knows we're ready. And it's not here to take us down. It's here to lift us up. It's really truly here to help us to heal at such deep levels and, and to touch our greatness and our magnificence. And it, and you know, I think we, we can speak of this Mary, because we both lived it. It was scary and scary time of my life. Not knowing if you're gonna live or die. You know, I don't How old were you when you had breast cancer? 42. Yeah. I mean, I was 33 or young. Young, and nobody around me had had cancer that I knew that it was under 70 or 65. And not saying that those cancers are, you know, when you get older, right? Like you're exposed to more things and more things happen. It's still horrible when you get cancer, but when you're 33, you know, like there's a bunch of things. I'm still working, I'm running a business, I'm in a marriage that it's just not working and my family doesn't understand me anymore. What I knew before isn't resonating. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what to do. I just isolated and kind of felt sorry for myself for a bit. And then over time just made like little strides. But I mean, I'll never forget the moment when, um, it was like, so I found the lump above my right collarbone. It was like a golf ball sized tumor. I had Hodgkin's lymphoma and um, I'll never forget because I got my scans missed, the original cancer, which is insane. I don't know how that even happened, but, so I had to have them re-look at the, the scans and they were like, oh my God. Oh my God, we gotta get tested. Like we gotta get this out. And I was like, oh, I had to go to a second doctor to get this checked out. And I remember she goes, she started freaking out, not freaking out, but like, she's kind of a chill doctor. And when you see her kind of moving fast, you're like, Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ah, I like this. Tell me I'm over exaggerating. This feels kind of uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. And mm-hmm. She's like, let's do full chest CT full, like pretty much everything except for legs, right? Because lymphoma doesn't necessarily show up in your feet or thighs or anything. But anyways, and um, I remember thinking, I was in the Whole Foods parking lot in Cedar Park and I go, holy shit, am I dying? Oh my God. It's not finding out for me, it wasn't finding out that I had cancer. It was am I dying? I have so much more to do that I haven't done. And then the day I got chemo, I, I swore to myself, I'm gonna make some changes, but right now I gotta sit in this and deal with it. Yeah. It's so, at so many levels. Um, it's so much to go through and, and if doesn't, it doesn't have to be cancer. It could be any, anything. Anything that pushes us to pause. Um, but I know I'm so grateful. I'm grateful that I'm here. I'm grateful for the courage and I'm so grateful that you're, you tapped into your courage and your will. And the beauty of this is every one of us has this. Even when we feel like there's no way out we have it. I it, we have it in us in our darkest moments, that light can come in. Absolutely. That's, that's where the beauty's at. I've never felt like now when something big comes up that would've like, you know, I've had to deal, like I was explaining to you, I we're having to kind of last minute move offices and that would've been, it was stressful, but like the next day after I found out we were gonna have to move, I found a beautiful spot, a wonderful landlord, like all this stuff. And I was like, ah, I don't have control. I do not have control over this situation, but what I do have control over are my thoughts and my thoughts will say. Everything that has seemed bad in the moment has been a gift later on. And so it's come to play every single time. So why don't I trust this takes some time, I think, to see it, you know? Um, but why don't I trust that there's a greater plan that I don't see? And I loved, I saw this image on Instagram and I thought it was funny. It was like when the universe has other plans for you, and it's like somebody's shooting an arrow and it's like they're shooting it towards a target, but it completely misses the target. But what you don't see is that it goes to the next screen and it hits another target. And I loved that. That's so cool. Yeah, because I feel like the way that I would describe this process would almost be like you, you take a leap'cause you're forced to and you're in the air and you haven't hit landing, but you're just in the air. And it's so unsettling and you're just like, okay. And then you start getting some grounding, then things start kind of normalizing and things like that. But I would hope, and you know, like I don't want people to have to get to this point to, to make the change. And so I'm hoping like by us talking and just getting people to start to notice, uh, maybe it's more unhappiness than it is illness or pain or cancer. And I just, I don't want it to get to the point where I don't want anyone to have to go through the treatment that I went through and lose their hair and eyelashes and, you know, and have people feel sorry for you. I don't want anyone to have to go through that, but unfortunately, pain is one of the biggest motivators of change. Yeah, it is. And it's, it's maybe the pain is the unhappiness. Maybe it's the hamster wheel, maybe it's the golden handcuffs.'cause you're worried you'll never make the kind of money that you're making, but you are miserable at this job. Mm-hmm. You know, it's, um, you know, this, this topic that you, you chose to talk about today. Um, while it sounds like, oh, you know, what is this about not feeling happy? It, it, it's such a deep, deep, actual, deep topic because we know that, that this unhappiness leads to a, a very limited life. Uh, not only are we unhappy, but we may be unhealthy as a result of the unhappy. Um, but we also live very limited. We don't actually tap into. What we're really capable of experiencing in this life if we don't allow ourselves to heal the parts of us that are staying stuck in the unhappy. And I feel like, I don't know that there's unanswer Mary, but I I'm curious what you would say. I feel like the greatest unhappiness comes because we're really not living our story. Oh yeah. And like what does that mean? Right. We're not living our story. I mean, are we living the story that our parents wanted us of us, or that society wants of us? Or are we living a story so that we will be seen as worthy? Are we living what, what story? And if we can heal that story, we will find on the other side of it our happy story. And it's not far away. That's the amazing. It's not, it's not. It's here. It's not, it's, it's really not. I would say like, you know, we don't use our imagination as adults like we did as children and dream big. Like we dream in abundance. What does abundance look like? Sure. Financial abundance. Great. Like, that's, that's a cherry on top. But what about abundance of love, kindness, friendship, relationships, health. Mm-hmm. Right? We only think of one form of currency, and that's financial. But, you know, um, there, what does that look like? And even if you don't think it could actually happen, just dream it. Think it, absolutely. What would that person do? What, how would she think, how would she act? How would she dress? Absolutely. I'm in this phase of like, so if we think about it, right? Think about all the programming. That has happened to us, like from such a young age. I remember seeing these little skinny white Barbie dolls, right? And they, they weren't representative of any other culture or body type. It was blonde, it was Malibu, Barbie, and Ken. And that's the first thing I remember about being a woman. It was like, oh, I gotta have a body like this. Okay? Mm-hmm. Ooh. Women have to diet. Women have to diet. They have to be skinny to be attractive. Nobody's gonna love you if you're fat. Oh, okay. Now you're, now you're too skinny. All right? Um, you're too dominating. You're not dominating enough. We sit in chairs that weren't made for us. The stairs that we use were built for men. The society that we live in and the culture that we live in keeps sending us messages that we're not. Enough. Literally not enough. I mean, the Victoria's Secret documentary made me so angry, realizing it was one man behind the Victoria's Secret movement and profited billions of dollars or whatever, millions or whatever on inadequacies of women and their bodies. And come on, nobody's body looks like that. I mean, even those women in the documentary, they were going home crying like in the bathtub.'cause they were just starving. Oh, we were literally starving ourselves to be loved. And so, and then we have to dye our hair a certain color. Like, don't be gray, we don't wanna be gray. And hey, that's fine if you wanna dye, like I'm all about it. But do it for, don't you do it for you. Right. Do it for you. Not because of I need to look a certain way. I stopped dye my hair. I was dying at blonde'cause And I go, where? Why did I start dying my hair blonde? And I remember, oh my God. It was because I remember when I was 14, blondes are hotter. Literally I've been dying. My hair blondes off all the fun. Yeah. And you're like, well, I'm gonna have to change that story. It's these little, little things. It's it, they get stuck. They get stuck as mistruths and clothing. I mean, everybody looks the same in the same clothes. Lululemons, Hey, I have Lululemon stuff. I'm not crapping on that. I'm just like, what would it look like if we had our own style? Right. And we didn't have to keep up with the trends Or the Jones is that's, that's where the, that's where the fun is. Yeah. Going against the grain. It's really, it's um, I think when we come into our own power, our own sense of self, um, and it's a journey. You, and we know this, it's a journey. And so, you know, no matter where anyone is in this moment, all we have to do is take one baby step forward. I mean, just one. And if that means saying something that we haven't said to somebody, if it means asking for help, if it means looking at our emotions with love, you know, rather than judging it just, or there's just one thing we can do today, just one thing that would benefit our relationship with ourself. It is so worth it. Oh, a thousand person. Just see how you feel after it. Just notice like, do you feel light? Do you feel happy? Do you feel like, ah, right. Those are the, that we want. I know, uh, women, we just wanna be held so much, but resist it because that's what we're told to do. Yeah. But in summary, you know what I would say, what we've been talking about is start looking at the mind, your body, and your soul. What things in your life do you feel you're not being true to? Like, what, where do you feel you're just doing things to do them? What are the things that drain you? Right? What are the things that excite you? Mm-hmm. And allow yourself to daydream.'cause that's when you can start doing that. Then you start thinking about it more. Then it starts becoming more reality. Yeah. And how all of these things can affect your physical health. And then, you know, like you were saying, we're not saying. Don't look at the physical. Yes, you have to look at the physical. Like if you have back pain, go get treatment, come to pt. But where in your with low back pain often is where you're not supported in your life and how can you add more stability there. Yeah. And so how can people reach you, um, or you know, your Instagram and your website if, if you could let people know so they can learn more about you and any services that you would like to explain to them that you, would, you offer. Um, yeah. Well, um, thank you Mary. If I would say if anyone is stuck in patterns and they are struggling to get the to the root of what's keeping them there and how it's impacting their body, uh, their relationships, their money story, basically ready to get unstuck. Um, just go to my website. It's my name Shanel. At Shanel r.com. That's a mouthful. Um, but there's not too many Shanel r Millis around there. Um, we'll put it in the, we'll put it in, we'll put it in the description. Yeah. Yeah. So you can get there. Um, from there you can email me. Um, and that's also on the website, and I'm happy to hop on the, on a call if, if anyone just wants to understand a little bit more about what they're capable of achieving. Um, all things are possible. We live in a, we live in a very, very powerful time of in existence right now, and we are all being pushed to awaken to that power that lies within us. And so, um, yeah, you can reach me. I do private work, I do workshops. I have free material. Um, also for people who may just wanna explore free stuff. There's a free ebook on my website. There's. Um, a Create Your Reality Academy. I can also send you that link, Mary, and there's some free guided meditations and masterclasses on consciousness and healing and, and things like that. So thank you so much. Yeah. It's so great talking with you and I really hope you all get a lot out of this because two cancer survivors and physical therapists that were pushed to awaken because of physical pain and illness. I mean, when I heard your story I was like, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. This cycle. Oh, it's, yeah. And then here we are. I mean, just wanting to help people to really heal at very, very deep levels. Um, wanting to know that things are possible even when they seem impossible and really just going inspiring. Hope to, yeah. To keep going, to keep going because this gives you one ounce of hope. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you.

1:00:22

You've been listening to TMI talk with your host, Dr. Mary Grinberg. Make sure to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. To learn more about Dr. Mary, head on over to dr mary grinberg.com and make sure to follow Dr. Mary at Dr. Mary PT on all social channels. To learn more about Dr. Mary's integrative practice for pain relief in Austin, Texas, head on over to resilient rx.com. Thanks for listening.