Episode 37: Making Friends in a Fast-Paced World: How to Build Community

Are you struggling to find community and make meaningful connections in today's fast-paced world?  (Previously episode 8 of season 2) 

Dive into this episode as she delves into the art of building community and friendships. Dr. Mary sheds light on the challenges of social anxiety, especially in a post-COVID landscape, and shares her personal journey of overcoming these barriers.

Key highlights include tips on finding like-minded individuals through hobbies like tennis or stand-up comedy, managing social anxiety through gradual exposure, and the importance of nurturing new friendships with genuine interest and connection. Dr. Mary emphasizes the notion of "zero battery friends" – those with whom you can truly be yourself and feel recharged.

Listeners are encouraged to put these lessons into action by identifying personal growth edges and starting small. Whether it's joining a beginner class or simply saying hi to neighbors, Dr. Mary offers practical advice for pushing past comfort zones. Additionally, you can strengthen new relationships by showing genuine interest in others and initiating follow-up interactions, whether in person or through social media.

For follow-up, Dr. Mary references resources like Chris Voss's work and the classic book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" to enhance social skills and build rapport. Embark on your journey to forming a supportive and enriching community by tuning in and taking the first steps towards connection.

Don't forget to subscribe and connect with Dr. Mary on social media for more insights and support on building a resilient community.

TIMESTAMPED OVERVIEW

00:00 Reconnecting and Building Community

06:00 Overcoming Anxiety Through Gradual Exposure

06:45 Managing Social Anxiety: Introductory Settings

12:00 "Overcoming Social Anxiety Steps"

14:30 "Engage by Listening and Asking"

18:35 Mastering Social Skills

22:02 Finding Your Social Connections

25:47 Authentic Connection Without Manipulation

27:00 Reintegrating Into Community After Trauma

30:06 Pushing Comfort for Growth

If you have any other questions or topics you want to talk about, send me a message on Instagram. And if you loved this episode, please leave me a rating and a comment with your feedback. Please share this with your friends and loved ones, too!

I’ll see you in a week!

Transcript

0:35

Hello, everyone. And welcome back to TMI talk with doctor Mary. Today, we're gonna be talking about how to build community and how to make friends. A study back in 2021 showed that twelve percent of Americans said they have no friends. And I believe the stat is actually much bigger because, I mean, I don't know how they even studied this. Right? Because it's obviously not the entire population. But I work in a clinic where a lot of people are craving community, and they don't know where to go or what to do. So this episode's for you. If you feel like you wanna connect with people again, but you're not sure how, because you might be at the age where maybe you've had a few kids and you're with a partner and you're kind of in this routine and everything's about the kids and there's not really much for you. Or maybe you don't have kids like myself, and you really wanna connect with more people, and you're just craving that community. I will find that growing community and building that and understanding how to trust people again can be scary, but at the same time, it's really a beautiful thing. And so in this episode, I'm gonna be talking about where to find people that are like you, how to work through social anxiety, because I know post COVID, there's a big fear around anxiety socially. Like, did I say the wrong thing? Did I not? Like, you know, how to kinda cope with that. That's something I've had to massively work through myself. If you don't know, like, what to say to people. So say you go somewhere and you meet people. Like, what do you say? Right? How do I connect with people? And then finally, how to nurture those relationships and, like, no. Like, can I trust this person? Can I not? Does this feel me? Does it does it not? You know? And so we'll just jump right in. So this is something that I went through post cancer. So I had just I've changed so much that I know I knew a lot of people. I had a big network of people, but I wasn't close with anybody. I'd say so many people at that time were more like at least in in the area that I live. I I have close friends from, like, childhood and things like that, but they lived around the country. So local to me, I really didn't feel like I had a bunch of people that got me or that I could call and just hang out with. And they call those, like, the zero battery friends, which are people you can just hang out with. You don't have to put on makeup. You don't have to do anything. You just sit on the couch, talk, laugh, whatever you wanna do. I didn't have that here where I lived in live in Austin. And so I just wanted to grow that, and I wanted to nurture that. And, naturally, I'm more of a social person, but I have struggled with social anxiety most of my life. But it really pushed me to kinda get out there and and kind of explore and meet new people. And so this is something that is one of my strengths, so I'm excited to talk about with you. Because when these little tidbits of information, I've learned along the way, and I think it can be helpful. So for instance, if you're like, where do I meet anybody? Right? Where do I what do I do? Well, first, you gotta find a hobby. I know that for me, I picked up tennis, and I met a bunch of people that way. I started really getting into it. I started taking classes, meeting people there, and then I did some stand up comedy classes. So that was fun as well. Like, built a whole community there. And so one of the biggest things is going out of your house and finding something that interests you. So this can be basket weaving. This can be tennis. This can be pick pickleball is a big one. A lot of people make a ton of friends doing. I probably need to do pickleball. Church, if you go to church, if you any sports, any any social activity where there's, like, a collective there's a collective hobby or there's a collective liking of something. I know I've met back when I would watch sports, I go to sporting events for my college that I went to. I went to Clemson, and so I met people that way. So you have to physically get out of your house to go do these things. And I know this can be scary if you've maybe struggle with social anxiety. It's which is something I I have myself. I actually remember so vividly when my social anxiety got so bad. One time I met or I saw somebody. I was working in a shoe store in DC, in between physical therapy school semesters, and I saw somebody out of context, just completely out of context, and I I almost passed out. I had no idea why this happened. I was really confused, and it was humiliating. And I just had to say, oh, hold on. I have to go in the back and get some shoes, and I don't think I ever came back out. But I thought, oh my gosh. I've got to do something about this. I'm about to be a physical therapist. I'm about to work with people for a living, and I can barely function. I remember going to my clinicals and just being like, oh my god. I hope nobody talks to me. Oh my gosh. What am I gonna do? I got so obsessed with, like, how I looked and how I was, and and I just got crippled with anxiety. And so the way that I started working on that was pushing myself a little bit at a time. So, for example, if you know that you want to maybe go to a conference, but maybe a conference stresses you out because there's a ton of people or maybe just something really big where there's a lot of people and a lot of interaction, and that's just overstimulation. Start small. Start small or maybe you go to something that's quiet and less stimulating. So think about your five senses. Right? I guess, in this case, you wouldn't need to worry about taste, but so it's taste, smell, vision, touch, and hearing. And so if all five of those senses are going off, right, so maybe like the grocery store, a lot of people get really kind of I know that it's extreme hyperstimulation there, so any anxiety is gonna be, like, amplified. So where is gonna be, like, a low key place that you feel comfortable going and maybe you're just, like, meeting somebody for coffee? Or maybe you're going to a networking event or something like that. Right? Networking events really scare people. So what I would say is just show up and maybe just go to these places. So say if you wanna go to a networking event, like, go for thirty minutes, or go to a maybe a intro to pickleball class where there's, like, there's distractions, so it's not all, like, trying to network. It's more of this common thing you're all trying to learn. And it's fun when you're in a beginner level because everybody's awkward because nobody knows what they're doing. That's why I liked with stand up comedy because you're so vulnerable because we're all standing up there, and we're like, oh, no. Like, this is really incredibly cringey, but then we all had this little bond because we were cringey together. And so putting yourself out there through, like, beginner things, like maybe a beginner acting class, maybe beginner basket waving. Who knows? Right? So that's how I've met a lot of people because I don't do well in, like, massive networking events and all these things. I need, like, a quiet contained space to be able to really get to know people. I mean, maybe not necessarily quiet because I did take a woodworking class and met some people that way. But so but my point is just be aware of the environments and notice, like, what are you comfortable with? And the social part maybe won't be as scary. And so say you push yourself to go to, like, a pickleball class. I don't know why I keep saying pickleball. Just bear with me. And, yeah, you just go. You don't have to necessarily talk to anybody. You don't have to do anything. You just, like, ask questions about pickleball, and then you leave. Right? Go home, recover, you know, rest, anything you do to bring your nervous system back down. So what you're doing is you're pushing up against your growth edge. And so, basically, what that means is to say you're you're in this little circle. Right? So if you're you can see the video. If not in your audio, that's fine. Just picture a little circle and then picture a really big circle around that little circle. Well, that really big circle is where you may want to be. Right? You wanna have a community. You wanna have friends. You wanna do these things, but that just seems too scary. So we have to go just, like, a little bit bigger than that smaller that smaller circle and then come back to the circle. Right? And then push again. So gradually over time, it's almost like you're blowing up a balloon. The balloon's slowly getting bigger, and then it deflates a little bit. Kinda get back to your comfort level, expand again, back to your comfort level, expand again. So thinking about you have to nudge yourself a little bit. If you push yourself too far, you'll know because you'll be panicked. You won't feel good, and you'll feel dysregulated. Like, you just won't feel good. And so we wanna expose ourselves to the scary thing, but then kinda come back and recover. So whatever that little step is, the better. I'll give you an example. So for my growth edge, it was more about public speaking. And so I started teaching, I was a lab instructor for physical therapy classes. And I remember I just had to teach one thing for two minutes, and I swear to god, I almost, like, pissed my pan. I was so nervous for two those two minutes. Okay? Then I came back home. I rested, and I was like, oh, that was a lot. And then the next time was, like, ten minutes, and the next time, twenty and 30. And then, eventually, I was co teaching these eight hour long a day classes. So, like, two days in a row where it was still scary, but it wasn't, like, massively scary. And so my body just got more adapted to that so that way things just felt more comfortable. And so think of that with this. Right? What is what is an environment that you feel comfortable in? And then maybe or something that you feel a little uncomfortable, but you're not super scared from. Right? So for instance, if you like working out, like, maybe you go to a beginner workout class, and you don't have to talk to anybody. Maybe you're just starting to expose yourself to other people. And so that's just kinda where to start. Right? So just start putting yourself out there in little tiny ways. Maybe you're just saying hi to people down the street. Like, hi. How are you? Just getting used to conversing with other humans because we are if you work from home and you have kids and you have a family, you're likely just kind of in the family unit. You're not outside of the home. And if you're single or you don't have kids and you're like me, you have to physically leave the house or else you are literally not conversing with anybody, except for my dog, Maya. She doesn't talk back. I wish she did. And so just thinking about that. So if even going out and doing that is scary, maybe when you go to the grocery store, smile, say hi to people, get used to conversing, and it's gonna feel a little uncomfortable, and that's okay. As long as you can kinda come down, breathe, maybe go for a walk after or anything to kinda help you rest. I like to elevate my feet on the wall or, like, on my bedpost just to kinda help regulate my nervous system when I feel like I'm stressed out. So well, then the next step is okay. So say I meet somebody at these events. Right? Well, what do I do next? Well, I most people that I've run into tend to not actually go out of their way and, like, ask for phone numbers or, like, hey. Let's meet up or, hey. Let's do this. So you may be the initiator. And so it can, again, it can feel a little uncomfortable, but when you feel like it's in a normal progression, so maybe you've played pickleball with the same person, like, three or four times, that might be an opportunity of, of, hey. I'd love to grab coffee sometime if you're up for it. Right? And then they say, great. Great. Can I grab your number? We can text and figure out a time. Awesome. So you might have to be the initiator to kinda pull in people. I personally am am am that person. I'm an extrovert. I know this can be hard if you're an introvert, so maybe find places where there's other introverts that, that may be, you know, like you, that it might feel a little bit more comfortable. Maybe that's something you can bond about is being an introvert. Right? Because the more we can kinda bond with each other, that the more we kinda get that closeness. So just thinking about it from that standpoint that you might have to initiate a little bit. And so then okay. Say you go grab coffee. So what do you do? Oh my gosh. What do I say? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna wear? Right? Like, that anxious brain will just go, go, go, go, go, and fly away. And so what I will say is this. Everybody likes to talk about their story and themselves. So if you are like, I don't know what I'm gonna say. Ask about them. Ask about their stories. And the thing that I find people get lost on is they'll go, oh, and then they're thinking, oh, how do I respond? What do I say? And then you forget what the person's saying in front of you. Be fully present. Pay attention to what they're saying, and ask them questions. And then naturally over time, most people will kinda start asking about you. And then if they don't, okay, you get to decide, is this person is somebody I wanna be friends with if they, you know, didn't engage me at all? And just start asking. Genuinely, no. Like, the more the way that I look at it is I wanna give without expectation of receiving. And when you do that, people kinda naturally like you because they feel like you're on your side. And this has to be genuine. You can't be bullshitting. Like, people can feel that. Right? And so, like, for instance, maybe you know that this person has talked to you about, oh, man. Like, yeah. I'm really struggling with, this thing at, with my child. Like, my child's going through this. He's been misbehaving or, just kinda acting up, and we're not really sure why. And maybe that's something you've gone through, and you're like, oh my gosh. You know, I found this incredibly helpful. So you're kind of just, like, giving. Maybe not telling the person what to do, but, hey. In my experience, this is this is what happened to me, and there can be kind of this bond. Right? So the the quicker you can kinda find a bond with the person, the faster that rapport builds. So the whole time you're kinda building this rapport. Right? And rapport is basically this closeness with somebody. And so the more you can find, like, factors with a person, the more you'll grow in a friendship. And so that's just something to think about. And so if you make it about, hey. I'm genuinely interested in this person, like, what they have to say. Every single person on this earth has a story that deserves to be heard and is interesting. And I believe that if you approach it or at least for me, I approach it and, oh, like, I wanna know more about this person, how they get to where they're at, what's their life like, because no story is the same. And so if you go into it with a giving mindset and wanting to listen, that is a massive thing. However, not to be walked over. Right? Like, you don't wanna keep hanging out with people. So say, maybe, you go in, you start asking questions, and and an hour goes by, and this person has not asked you anything about yourself, and it's just they're talking about themselves, and you're just feeling drained. Okay. Well, maybe that person might not be the right friend for you. Finding a really close friend is is takes time. It's like dating. You are really meeting people and saying, hey. Who who who do I get excited to see? Who who is doing things that I think that align with me and that that are exciting for me, and then we're doing the same thing. So this there's, like, this natural energy that's kinda like, oh, yeah. So both parties can kinda feel it. So over time, you'll kinda be like, I don't know. Do I like this person? Do I not? You know? You can kinda be like, okay. Well, I'll I'll hang out with them again and see. I almost feel like it's, like, almost like like I said, like dating. And dating's like business too. It's all of it. It's like easing into things, building rapport, finding common ground with people, and then coming in from, like, a giving and kind of listening mindset. Because if you don't know already, it is incredibly rare to meet somebody that actually listens to you and that actually wants to give without expectation of return. So if you are that person, people remember you. And, again, this is not to be used in a manipulation tactic. It is it it can be incredibly helpful. And it's been years since I've read it, but one of the books, that I've read, it's called how to win friends and influence people. I really don't like the name, but it really kinda talks about these different, these different ways to connect with people and understand with listening. Chris Voss, is an FBI, was an ex FBI negotiator, and he has a a few I think a few books on this, but he's great on understanding the human psychology, how to speak to people, and things like that. So there's a lot of people in, like, directions you can kinda go to kinda fine tune the the social skills because it's gonna feel rusty. It's gonna feel rusty because you've probably been around the same people talking on Zoom and things like that. So just know it's uncomfortable, and everybody who hasn't socialized in a while feels that way. So you are not abnormal. I do know that I like I said, I am an extrovert, so I can't speak for introverts. But I will say that if you are an introvert, an extrovert can be a nightmare for you, but also can be great. Like, I in my neighborhood, I am, like, an extrovert. So I love connecting everybody in the neighborhood because I want everyone to meet each other, and most people are introverts. And that's that's great. And so who can you connect with that may be the same way? And so the way you approach somebody might be a little bit different than me, but think about what feels good for you in a way that also fuels you. Right? So if you're feeling drained by certain people, maybe maybe that's not your crew. Maybe you have to find some other people to hang out with. And so what's cool, though, it's like once you find one person that you really align with like, for me, it was really hard to find people that are fun like, playful, like, super silly, consciously growing a business. So, like, I wanna grow a business that improves humanity but also makes a profit. Right? I believe you can do both, but for some reason, society has taught us it's either all or nothing. Right? And then on top of it, like, I have, like, really introspective thoughts and things I like to talk about. So finding people that can do that, that really connect me on that way is is a bit challenging because we do live in a culture that's go go go, very disconnected, and, doesn't slow down. And, again, that's that's the culture. Right? That's kind of what we've been ingrained to. And I'm not, like, better than anybody else because I have these inner thought like, these deeper things that I wanna talk about. I just I am in a different phase of life, and I wanna meet people with that phase of life. And it's also hard because I have a lot of friends that have kids, and so my close friends have kids, and their focus are the kids and their families and things like that. So I'd say this age of, like, 35 to, to, like, 50 can be a little bit of a harder age, especially if you don't have kids. And then this is also something that can be harder once your kids graduate college, so you're like an empty nester. Or you have a bunch of little ones at home and you're just you don't have time seeing what you can do to get the support to get out of the house because you'll you need we need to connect to yourself and have community. So the biggest part of healing is healing and having community. We are primal beings that are meant to be in community. We are not meant to be disconnected. We are just like any other mammal. Right? We need to connect to others. And so that can be hard in this day and age because there are a lot of people that tend to focus more on fear and greed, and what can you give me. Right? And so there's gonna be, like, a process of figuring out who aligns with you. And so just trust that if you exist, somebody like you exist, and then you just need to find that one person, and then that one person might know another person, and that other person knows somebody else. So that's my experience and what I've seen. And so the other thing, you know, to mention too is maybe you don't meet people that you're, like, super close with right away, like, over time. Maybe it's not something you can see yourself being best friends with, but maybe it's like your tennis friend or maybe it's your, you know, pickleball friend. Maybe it's your art friend, and you guys can connect on that. So and then over time, you start kind of building that community. And so okay. So then what does that look like next? Right? So, like, how do I nurture these friendships? How do I reach out? And I would say one of the coolest things that I found about social media is I can find for me, I find other business owners that are doing like minded things, and I can shoot them a message. And then, we kind of jump on a call or maybe we meet in person. This is how I built my physical therapy practice is, like, messaging other clinicians in the local area and saying, hey. Would you like to grab coffee and kind of meeting up with them from there? So you can use it through, like so if you follow them on social media, you can maybe comment on some of their posts. You can DM them. So send them some messages like, oh my gosh. You know, maybe you see in their story that they're doing something fun, and you can tell they're excited, and you wanna make a comment on it. That's great. You you know, kind of seeing what other people are excited about and, like, kind of, you know, encouraging them to kind of be themselves to say if they're doing something really vulnerable. You can say, oh my or at least for me, I'll be like, oh my gosh. Like, I know that took so much courage. Like, props for you. You You know, just kind of anticipating what people might be feeling or thinking. And I I don't wanna say it like you have to know what people are thinking or feeling. It's more of if you could tell somebody who's excited, how can you and you generally care about this person. How can you show that excitement too? Like, oh my gosh. That's a really cool high trail you did. Like, how far was it? You know, yada yada. Can you send me pictures? You know, if you're genuinely interested. Now if you don't care about social media, you can text somebody. Kinda do the same thing. Like, I met a bunch of really wonderful ladies a few months ago at a, a trauma healing retreat, and we've all stayed, in through a text message, and we decided, hey. We're gonna jump on a call monthly and and just stay in touch from that aspect. So it could be texting every you know, when you think of something funny that maybe they would have liked or, hey. Thinking of you, I just saw this pickleball, you know, I don't know, tournament coming up. You know, are you interested? What do you think? You know? I'm think or, hey. I just walked by, the coffee shop we went to the other day. I was thinking of you. How are you doing? People love it when you say that you're thinking of them or, you know, they just like to be thought of. Like, think about it. We're all just big kids in, like, adult bodies, and so what would everybody wants to be loved. Everybody wants to be listened to, and everyone wants to be included. So how can you kinda tap into those things in an ethical way that's not manipulative? I say that because this there's a lot of, people that will do that, to get what they want. And so thinking of that when you're reaching out to people like, hey. How can I add value? How can I, you know, kind of be a support for somebody? And then you can sort of see over time, does this person reciprocate? So I've done this where I've I've you know, it's also balance. Right? Because I'm not trying to be a people pleaser and, like, bend over backwards. It has to feel natural. I have to feel, like, excited about this. I'm not gonna just do it to do it. It's just it might be uncomfortable at first because you're like, oh, I wanna tell them, hey. I was thinking about you. I, you know, I went to this event and yada yada. Send it. If you generally wanted to send it, but don't do stuff you don't wanna do from, like, a, I don't I really don't care about sending this, then don't. But just thinking about how, how to just kind of include them in your life. People wanna feel included. Right? And so I know that this is the biggest next step for my healing journey is integrating back into community because I have had really, really painful experiences with people kind of turning on me and, like, as I've grown, kind of not being so nice and kind of shitting on me because of their own insecurities. Right? So going back out there really scared me. So if you've had trauma with people before, which most people probably have, but if it's a collective thing or maybe that's kind of fueling your social anxiety, knowing going into it being like, if somebody behaves in a certain certain way, and maybe I set a boundary. Right? So maybe over time we become friends, and I'm like, hey. For instance, I had somebody that's just everything was about them, and I said, hey. Listen. I genuinely would love to make this friendship work, but it often feels like it's one-sided. Right? And so when I said that to this one person, I didn't hear from them for, like, a week or two weeks or something like that. Well, that tells me that that person's really not interested in my friendship, and that has nothing to do with me. So you kind of move on. It doesn't mean you have to be mean. It doesn't have to be anything. Right? So who shows you respect? Who reciprocates that? Who reaches out and checks in on you? Right? And people will disappoint you. Some people won't. Some people will. But human nature, we naturally may be disappointed, but knowing that person's intent. Right? So maybe you meet a friend, they've been a really solid friend for a year or two or whatever, and then they they kinda drop the ball. Maybe they cancel their meetup with you, or maybe they just seem like they're kinda being a shitty friend. Then you can be like, hey. Are you are you are we cool? Are we okay? You know? It might be something to talk with them about, and that could be an opportunity for growth. So the more we can kind of have those conversations, the more those relationships will grow. Right? And then while on the other side, maybe if I meet somebody and I've met up with them a couple times, and it's just there's no interest in me or my life or anything at all, and I kinda feel drained. I feel like they're kinda taking, you know, these energy vampires. I'm like, I don't you know, I only have so much time on this Earth, and I wanna have genuine, kind, nurturing connections. And so that's just something to kinda think about, but I will say that, you know, those resources I said before, can be really helpful. Chris Voss's work and then, the the book, how to win friends and influence people. Again, hate that I don't really love the name, but it's a very old book, and it can be in, incredibly helpful. But something to kinda think about. In summary, if you are looking to build community, you're not sure where to start, start with a hobby, start with things that interest you. Go there. Right? Go there. And if you have social anxiety, which you may have because if you've been isolated or you haven't been around people, thinking about, hey. How can I push that anxiety a little bit and then kinda come back home? Like, what is enough of a push where I don't feel overwhelmed, but I feel like it's a little uncomfortable. So that that little uncomfortable area, that's where growth happens. And so the more you kinda do that, then that growth kinda gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And, eventually, you have this huge you're kind of in that outer edge of of your growth, and then, you know, you can kind of nurture those relationships. So, and then when conversing with people, if you're not sure what to say, really think about, like, them. Like, hey. Oh, so tell me about what led you to, maybe you want to hike Kilimanjaro. Right? Or what what led you to bring what brought you to Austin? Like, how are you here? Or not how are you here? That's, like, kinda weird. Why are you here? No. Just, hey. How did you come up with your dog's name? Or what kind of dog is that? Like, peep oh my god. People love when you ask them about their dogs. So if you want an easy kinda way to meet people, take your dog to a dog park and talk to other dog owners about their dog. Again, you don't have to talk people about their stuff all the time, but it's a starting point. It opens up a conversation. And, yeah. And so then finally, like, how to nurture those relationships. Like, what does that look like? Like, messaging people to meet up, when you do meet up, you know, kind of think really thinking about things that you guys have had in common or what are they going through or how how's their week actually been. Right? Not, oh, hi. How are you doing? Everyone's gonna say fine because, like, you know, when I'm, like, having a horrible day, I'm not gonna be like, oh, actually, it's a horrible day. I just don't feel like people can handle that. And so I just I'm like, oh, good. But if it's like a friend friend, I'm like, oh, gosh. Tell like, let me tell you. Like, do you have a second? You know? And I found for me, I found a lot of community in, like, these entrepreneur groups where I've met other business owners because we can relate. Hey. This situation happened. Like, did you have something like that? Oh, yeah. That just happened to me last week, and I'm like, I'm not alone. I feel so included. Like, this feels great. And yeah. So just something to kinda think about and marinate on, but the more you kinda start integrating back into a supportive community, right, that takes time to build, that will fuel your soul, that will help you heal, that will just bring so much energy and and passion and excitement back into your life. So thank you so much, and I really, really hope this is helpful. And until next time.